An American Diner in Richmond?

Dear Urban Diner,

We tried, we really tried. We wanted to love you, make you a new favourite - a place of indulgent treats from home arriving in our neck of the London woods. We wanted to believe the reviews we'd read were misguided, mean spirited... or that you'd at least learned something from them. Plus we figured we'd try for breakfast -- how hard could that be?

But much is the distance between hope and reality in this case, I'm sorry to say.

So in the spirit of helpfulness -- here are a few tips if you truly want to become a real American diner:

1. Coffee. Have coffee on the menu. Not cappucinos, lattes, americanos (though those are nice as well), but coffee. Poured from a pot, and as often as your customer wants it. Extra points if you also have decaf brewing, in a separate pot with an orange rim.

2. Pancakes. If you open at 9, please don't tell a customer who tries to order at 9:30 that "the pancakes aren't ready -- they should be about 30 minutes."  I don't know what kind of pancakes you're making... but I can prep, cook, eat, and clean up from my recipe in 30 minutes -- so something needs adjusting there.

3. Pancakes part 2. When your chef relents and makes a 'special order' of just one serving "that's all he can do, I told him a little girl really wanted pancakes"... make them taste like pancakes, and unless you call them 'silver dollar', make them larger than 5 inches across. (yeah, inches -- it's an American pancake you're making after all).

4. Pancakes part 3. "Maple syrup sauce"? What is that?

5. Pancakes part 4. No lumberjack special? No 2x2x2? Everyone knows pancakes are exponentially better with eggs and/or bacon alongside!

5. Hashbrowns. Only in McDonald's or your local grocery frozen foods aisle do hashbrowns come in a little triangle. I'm just sayin'.

6. Details. Erm...I'm sure this was just our bad luck and not a regular occurrence -- but in case not, please try to remember to remove the plastic before serving up the "smoked salmon bene". I can only assume it was overlooked in the rush of cooking for the one other occupied table in the place, as well as of course dealing with that special pancake order.

In the end, shiny red booths and a few US license plates and retro 5 cent Coca-Cola ads do not a diner make. A true diner experience is simple: decent-to-great classic foods, served up quickly; smile optional.

Get the food right (swiss cheese on a Philly cheese steak???), and you've got a ready market... I would love for you to succeed --  just hope it's not too late!